“and then my soul saw you and it kind of went, oh there you are, I’ve been looking for you.”
As a woman, one of my biggest fears in life had always been becoming a mother. Not only did I fear the experience of pregnancy and birth as a whole, but what would come after terrified me even more. You see…a lot of women are able to physically birth a child; but providing the care, the patience, the nurturing, the time, the money, the sacrifices, the love, the understanding, the lessons, the hardships, etc. that come in tow, require a great amount of strength and dedication. As a young woman, I felt I would be interested in having children one day in my future life, but I thought I would be over the age of 30, established, perhaps married with a college degree and career. I wanted this stage in my life to come whenever I thought I would be ready…but, are any of us ever truly ready? That was just it, somehow in my naive mind I was making this experience about myself by expecting it to happen at my own pace. So, when I unexpectedly became pregnant I was petrified. As a fiery, dissaray of thoughts and emotions quickly plagued my mind…I still felt a faint sense of peace inside of me as that little heart began forming it’s own unique beat, and seemed to sync ever so perfectly with my own. It was in that moment, I realized I was ready for this stage in my life…I was ready because I never imagined I could be. When things happen beyond our control, outside of the paths and plans that we try and create for us; it’s when we’re focusing too much on ourselves that the universe sends something (or someone) our way to humble us. They’re sent to make us realize that whatever we are enduring or struggling with at the time, can only be healed by creating an unforeseen sense of selflessness.
When I became pregnant I was going through a rough patch in my life. I was unintentionally wrapped up within the loneliness of my own broken heart, I felt lost and unsure of my purpose, I drank more than I should’ve and socialized with acquaintances I felt no deep connection with, trying so desperately to fill this empty void I had for acceptance. I grew tired of fighting for my good intentions and endlessly oozing love from my pours, but not receiving it in return. That’s when my pleas became answered in a way I never imagined, in a way I thought at the time was tragic. The moment I stopped focusing on my battles that I felt defined my life, that’s when my desire for partnership had been fulfilled. I thought that ‘fairy tale, happy ending’ kind of love would consist of being swept off my feet and whisked away by romance…but the love I craved would become granted in the purest, most unbreakable form. A love I never knew existed, or that I could ever obtain. It began as a bond forming inside of me, that my organs kept comfortable and warm, nesting in the deepest part of my body, comforted by my beating heart. An acceptance that doesn’t care how much money you make, what job you have, where you’ve been or what you’ve done…A dependent of your caring grace, a reliant growing from your nurture. A forgiveness, a merciful second chance, a vessel of strength. With every week passing a new part of her developed, and I was growing with her. On that Sunday of my favorite month, the 30th of October a day before my favorite holiday, I nor my life would ever be the same again. When she ventured from my body at 2:54 PM, the Earth stood silent and respectfully still, as oxygen filled her lungs allowing them their first breath following cries of confusion. As she opened her eyes in the world for the first time, honorably the first thing she saw was me. Our eyes remained locked onto one another as we lay two full hours warming each other’s skin, in awe of our meeting. Both of us had been expecting the other, and she remained in my arms and on my chest still covered in remnants we shared as one. Lost in a gaze, I was captivated by her angelic complexion. For the first time ever in my life, I cried tears of pure, blissful joy…I felt like I had known her my entire life, and we finally crossed paths by conquering this trying journey together. As your body grew strong within me, mine became new again. A new version of myself was born…The moment our eyes met I felt as if I were looking into a mirror. Not only had my eyes been physically replicated, but I saw a reflection of my spirit dwelling inside of them. I had been granted real love at first sight and my heart could finally rest in the warmness overflowing my soul, satisfying my deepest desires. I felt whole and instantly knew that if I were to go somewhere beyond this world on this day, that I could do so with fulfillment. I’m so thankful for that 8 pound 9 ounce, 21 inch flawless and literal part of myself. The part that rescued and gave meaning to my existence…the part that gave me love when my heart was broken, that provided me with comfort and peace when I were left beaten and bruised by life’s obstacles. Not only did I give you life, but you gave it to me in return. You’re the most alive I’ve ever felt, thank you for being my solidity and proof that something greater than this world and this life truly exists. Your birthday could never be replaced as the greatest and most valuable day of my life, and may your love radiate among every surface of the world that you touch, as brightly as it did upon exiting my body. May you never feel ashamed of who you are, and may your heart be wild and your spirit free your wings as it untangles mine. My wish for you is to never forget how much we mean to one another. I hope you know that no matter where life leads either of us, no matter the hurts or difficulties we may face, or when someone lets us down…that we will always have each other. Our hearts beat in sync, and our veins intertwine. No matter how old you become, my baby you’ll always be…because of you, I no longer fear. You’ve aided me in defeating my most unimaginable. I’ll love you forever ‘Maggie-O.’
“It was all clear, you where meant to be here.”