Today I took a drive…I blared my playlist on shuffle & song after perfect song played that allowed how I felt to feel right at home, it felt safe. That’s when I knew that today was supposed to happen & I were required to make the most of it—-whatever it brought. I came to sit by the water in search of some form of peace…Or even its kindred. All I could hear is what I can describe as the ‘safest silence’. I am surrounded by water almost completely; like being on a secluded island—-as I sit on the edge of a small cliff beneath shady trees. I can feel wildflowers underneath me just as if they were growing from me, because our roots feel they are one in the same…connected. I sense how they float in the wind which ever way is blowing it’s gentlest…but what I have noticed is that sometimes the wind becomes conflicted. Right here in this spot, in this moment it doesn’t know if it’s blowing in one direction or the other, let alone at one capacity or another. It’s unpredictability has left said wildflowers completely and vigorously rattled, some left worse than others. What I’ve witnessed after such a violent shaking is how they didn’t fall completely apart. How can something SO fragile be so utterly resilient? While waves are crashing the shore on one side of me…The side where a couple is fishing and there are perfectly sculpted pieces of driftwood, hundreds of scratched and worn pebbles, & empty shells still impeccably whole resting comfortably. On the opposite side the water is calm, slow moving, and deep. It’s funny how one side can be so polar from the other you’d think it’d start a war when they touched. Instead when these sides so opposite in movement crash into one another it creates conflict…The kind that realigns you, forces you to adapt and find balance. The kind that allows you to discover a new flow, & awakens parts of your being you didn’t know were there. You see, it isn’t the type of conflict that results in tragedy…it’s the beautiful kind. The kind intended by nature. That’s what you are to me & what I wish I were to you. As the sun finds openings in the tree I’m beneath, I am finding the most satisfying & comforting warmth. The kind that I’ve been searching for. It’s as if it were coddling me & assuring me that everything will be ok one day. As the sun glimmers in strongly & softly back out, the pieces it touches do not shine…they sparkle—-allowing new places once shaded to be touched by light. I hear a family of crows talking among a cluster in the sky, as I see couples in the distance sharing a picnic or walking their dog…Even still for the first time I can think of you and I feel conflicted. I feel both confused and at peace. I feel both happy and broken but somehow not afraid because I not only finally feel something, but everything all at once. The numbness has broken way. We haven’t been together in years —-& even when we were together I still don’t know if we ever truly were. On one side my love for you runs deep and is anchored, but when you come crashing into me so intensely and so unexpectedly it shakes my core so violently, it disrupts all that I know and all that I feel. What comes after is a new journey to face, one that’s lonely, unforeseen, and terrifying. That’s what you do. I’ve never known where I stand with you, all I know is where I stood but am no longer…but just sitting, just being, just existing for today is enough. More than I ever was to you.

#writing #poetry #photography #travel #love #healing #hurt

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